Area Man Hears Self Say He's A 'Big Chicken Pot Pie Guy'
I love how accurate the Onion’s coverage of news and politics is, but this hit a little too close to home.
The hawk lands upon my outstretched arm. I unroll the message affixed to its leg: did you get the email i sent y/n. I angrily throw the note to the ground and the hawk takes wing with an irritated squawk.
I glower at the slumbering city, fists clenched. Suddenly, the sky explodes in a riot of color. I cower in terror but then slowly stand back up as I see the fireworks spell out HEY DID YOU GET THAT BIRD LETTER ABOUT MY EMAIL???
I turn my back on the garish display, trembling with rage. I do not want to attend your baby shower! my mind shrieks. I find them excruciating!
My shoulders slump as I head inside to find out how much it costs to get a onesie that looks like a little tuxedo.
Source: fireland
2012
I awake on New Year’s Day to discover my fingers stuck in ten different vodka bottles. They make a terrible clatter as I somehow manage to don my kimono emblazoned with a .44 Magnum Colt Anaconda and the words I WILL DESERT STORM DAT ASS in Papyrus. I wait for my boner to subside and then go outside to greet 2012. The wintry air is invigorating upon my boner which did not subside. The year stretches out before me like a gay magic scroll, its enchantments yet to be written.
[…]
» Rating: GOTTA BE TEN SEXY LADIES, MY MAIN MAN. I’M CALLING IT.
Source: tensexyladies
Econ Professor Trying To Lecture 300 People Who Don’t Pay Their Own Car Insurance
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“Where you see only ten sets of footprints, the reindeer and I were carrying you.”
Related: It was then that I carried you vs. Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints
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A dating show about a bachelor who must choose between thirty beautiful women. Each week he goes on a series of dates with the women and things are going well for a while and then he shows them his webbed foot and explains to them that the deformity is the reason he keeps his socks on during intercourse, and then the women no longer want to be intimate with him, but they tell him it’s because they’re stressed about their jobs and not because he has a webbed foot, so he sits in the limo by himself, alternately masturbating, napping, and crying. (Possible titles: You Are Going to Die Alone, Love is a Lie Created by the Greeting Card Industry in a Joint Partnership with Lord Voldemort, Come Back, Amanda… Please.)
Source: mcsweeneys.net
