I am fascinated by men and their endless networks of guys.
Concert for Parents (from Ted McCagg)
I’ve noticed that the little indie movie theater in park slope does this: every once in a while they’ll show a romantic comedy or something at around 7, volume low, lights on, with a special area in the back for the ones crying.
McSweeney’s: I have a Guy for That
I noticed your nose seems runny today. You should go see my guy. His name is Dr. Sternhagen and his office is on the upper east side. Ear, nose and throat—he’ll fix you right up. All you need, probably, is a prescription for Nasaltrim; it works wonders. Tell him I sent you. He’s a friend of the family. The Nasaltrim’s great stuff but as your mucus dries up you’ll probably find yourself coughing a lot—kind of a dry, hacky cough, because your sinuses are drying out—so you should go see my guy Dr. Wilburforce, a pulmonologist, over in Queens. Tell him you know me. Couple of breathing treatments and you should stop coughing in no time. He’s a miracle worker. The breathing treatments may leave you a little light headed, of course, but that’s normal. And it’s nothing my guy Dr. Feinman in Brooklyn can’t help you with; he’ll give you a few anti-nausea pills which will clear up your head, you know, make you less dizzy. Just call his nurse Carla and tell her I referred you.
The only problem with the anti-nausea pills, even though they’re great, is that they can cause some very severe constipation. So you should pay a visit to my gastrointerologist Dr. Goldfman in Midtown. He’ll probably do a sigmoidoscopy with a flexible tube outfitted with a camera (you’ll be sedated, and won’t feel a thing) to see if there’s any problem with your colon or lower intestine. Ask him how his new grandson is; he loves to go on and on about his grandchildren. Dr. Goldman will probably prescribe an extremely strong intestinal relaxant, which can in some cases cause a tingling in the nerves of the spinal column. My chiropractor, Dr. Swansea, can help you get rid of that easily through a series of bi-weekly adjustments which will, I’ll be honest, probably leave you a little sore. Dr. Xiang in Greenwich Village, my guy from a few years back, can help relieve this soreness by placing you on a bed of sharp spikes while stimulating your consciousness with an excellent guided meditation specially designed open your third eye and allow you to discover your spirit animal.
Once you’ve discovered your spirit animal you’ll be ready for a guy who’s not really my guy but the guy of my friend. His name is Dr. Moonbowfeather and he’ll set you up with a scheduled trip to a sweatlodge in the Pine Barrens via shuttle, where you’ll learn to touch the universe as an infinite cloud of sparkling energy and light. After your brush with the fleeting magnificence of your own mortality you’ll probably have some questions about your past and your relations with family members, so you should go see a guy in Chelsea named Dr. Schmittz- Horndorff, who is a guy I have heard about from other guys and who will help you reach a breakthrough by staging an elaborate and surprisingly convincing roleplay in which you’ll regress to your earliest childhood memory and discover the very defining moment in which you became the human being you are today. This will undoubtedly be a mind-blowing catharsis for you, and you’re going torequire something heavier to deal with these new revelations. You’re going to need to go to a guy who is not a licensed doctor but rather a guy everyone has nicknamed “Doc,” who will treat you by a series of radical, intense and painful “combat therapies” in which he will repeatedly punch and kick you while you make exclamations (and breakthroughs) about the hurdles and trials with which you struggle daily. His office is in the dim and moldy basement of a dilapidated Woolworth’s in the Meatpacking District, which may lead to some upper slight respiratory congestion. Just go see my guy Dr. Sterhagen about that. Tell him I sent you. You’ll be tip-top in no time.
Source: mcsweeneys.net
McSweeney’s: I have a Guy for That
I am fascinated by men and their endless networks of guys.
I noticed your nose seems runny today. You should go see my guy. His name is Dr. Sternhagen and his office is on the upper east side. Ear, nose and throat—he’ll fix you right up. All you need, probably, is a prescription for Nasaltrim; it works wonders. Tell him I sent you. He’s a friend of the family. The Nasaltrim’s great stuff but as your mucus dries up you’ll probably find yourself coughing a lot—kind of a dry, hacky cough, because your sinuses are drying out—so you should go see my guy Dr. Wilburforce, a pulmonologist, over in Queens. Tell him you know me. Couple of breathing treatments and you should stop coughing in no time. He’s a miracle worker. The breathing treatments may leave you a little light headed, of course, but that’s normal. And it’s nothing my guy Dr. Feinman in Brooklyn can’t help you with; he’ll give you a few anti-nausea pills which will clear up your head, you know, make you less dizzy. Just call his nurse Carla and tell her I referred you.
The only problem with the anti-nausea pills, even though they’re great, is that they can cause some very severe constipation. So you should pay a visit to my gastrointerologist Dr. Goldfman in Midtown. He’ll probably do a sigmoidoscopy with a flexible tube outfitted with a camera (you’ll be sedated, and won’t feel a thing) to see if there’s any problem with your colon or lower intestine. Ask him how his new grandson is; he loves to go on and on about his grandchildren. Dr. Goldman will probably prescribe an extremely strong intestinal relaxant, which can in some cases cause a tingling in the nerves of the spinal column. My chiropractor, Dr. Swansea, can help you get rid of that easily through a series of bi-weekly adjustments which will, I’ll be honest, probably leave you a little sore. Dr. Xiang in Greenwich Village, my guy from a few years back, can help relieve this soreness by placing you on a bed of sharp spikes while stimulating your consciousness with an excellent guided meditation specially designed open your third eye and allow you to discover your spirit animal.
Once you’ve discovered your spirit animal you’ll be ready for a guy who’s not really my guy but the guy of my friend. His name is Dr. Moonbowfeather and he’ll set you up with a scheduled trip to a sweatlodge in the Pine Barrens via shuttle, where you’ll learn to touch the universe as an infinite cloud of sparkling energy and light. After your brush with the fleeting magnificence of your own mortality you’ll probably have some questions about your past and your relations with family members, so you should go see a guy in Chelsea named Dr. Schmittz- Horndorff, who is a guy I have heard about from other guys and who will help you reach a breakthrough by staging an elaborate and surprisingly convincing roleplay in which you’ll regress to your earliest childhood memory and discover the very defining moment in which you became the human being you are today. This will undoubtedly be a mind-blowing catharsis for you, and you’re going torequire something heavier to deal with these new revelations. You’re going to need to go to a guy who is not a licensed doctor but rather a guy everyone has nicknamed “Doc,” who will treat you by a series of radical, intense and painful “combat therapies” in which he will repeatedly punch and kick you while you make exclamations (and breakthroughs) about the hurdles and trials with which you struggle daily. His office is in the dim and moldy basement of a dilapidated Woolworth’s in the Meatpacking District, which may lead to some upper slight respiratory congestion. Just go see my guy Dr. Sterhagen about that. Tell him I sent you. You’ll be tip-top in no time.
Source: mcsweeneys.net
get the memo
MANLY KINDNESS, apparently
Esquire presents their ‘25 skills every man should know’
Basics like jump-starting a car and filleting a fish you should know already. Tips like chopping down a tree and skinning a moose are kinda badass. The pastry chef metaphor for pleasing a woman
The theatrical flourishes and jabs you’ve learned from your trusty porn are like that: the frosting on the frosting. A good pastry chef uses his nibs sparingly and aims foremost for a thick, smooth application. […] Go slowly, be sedulous and heedful, and don’t stop until the cake is done.
tickles me. But this? Really? I get the idea, they’re trying to show that empathy is part of this straight-razor using, shoe-shining, Tom Waits-y gentleman gestalt, but comparing a crying woman to “a wounded animal”? Poo poo, sirs. Poor taste. Makes me think of Jimmy Stewart saying “sweetheart”
Console a Crying Woman
Keep a handkerchief on your person. A clean one, since it’s not for you. It’s for the crying woman.
When you encounter the crying woman (and she needs to be sobbing as if she’s been hurt — never approach a woman who is merely weeping or teary), approach her as if you’re advancing on a wounded animal that might still be able to bite — slowly, thoughtfully. Pull out the handkerchief.\
Say: “I’m sorry to disturb you, but is there anything I can do to help?”
Whether she responds or not, offer the still-folded handkerchief. Point out that it’s clean. This should make her laugh.
If she hasn’t yet told you to go away (and if she tells you to go away, do so immediately), ask what you might specifically be able to do: stay with her, call the police, listen to her problems, tap dance.
Proceed according to her wishes until she says she’s fine.Tell her to keep the hanky.
Source: coudal.com
Both worlds revel in intensity and sensory pleasures, professional practitioners say.
“Obviously, you’ve got the total punk aesthetic of the working kitchen, with the cursing, staying up until 4 a.m., the drugs and everything,” said Dawson Ludwig, marketing director for Noise Pop. “But it’s more than that. Good music and good food are total indulgence, both providing fulfilling sensual experiences.”
“Mixtapes for Meals: The New World of Music Pairings” (via BoingBoing)
Source: s.tt
“It’s like the birds aren’t migrating this year; the salmon aren’t swimming upstream,” said Chris Flash, an East Village resident who runs a local bike courier service and an underground newspaper called The Shadow. “The whole ecology of the neighborhood is out of whack.
The visitors are seasonal nomads, crossing the nation in rough accordance with changing weather patterns, heading south or west in the winter and venturing toward the Northeast in the summer months. Many travel along rail lines like the Union Pacific and the Norfolk Southern, hoisting themselves into empty freight train boxcars.
[…]
“That’s not a good sign,” he said. “When one species disappears, others tend to follow.
On the migratory patterns of crust-punks. “In East Village, Harbingers of Spring Are Missing”
PETA Suggests a Name Change for the Tenderloin
In a letter to Mayor Edwin M. Lee sent Tuesday, Tracy Reiman, the group’s executive vice president, suggested that city officials rename the neighborhood the Tempeh District, a homage to a soy-based meat substitute.
I really thought this was a story on The Onion but, alas, it is just a publicity stunt.
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